This entry is made public so non-LJ friends can see it. Comments disallowed to encourage in depth, face-to-face discussion on the topic.
Yesterday, from afar, someone referred to me as Sheila's husband. Looking bewildered as she got closer to me, she retracted her statement. That glimpse of passing brought me insurmountable happiness. Half a day later and I'm still thinking about that 5 seconds of passing.
So, the question is, if I get such joy from passing, why am I not transitioning. I've been asked many times- Why do you use female pronouns? Why don't you bind full-time? Will you go on testosterone? My answers are vague at best- sometimes I pull an excuse out of my ass or sometimes I just avoid the question. Mostly because I haven't decided on the answer. So, I'll give you two possibilities:
I'm scared:
What will my friends and family think of me as a male?
How much prejudice will I face if I become legitimately transsexual?
Will I like my male self?
Will I suddenly feel male privilege? ..and use it as an excuse for bad decisions?
What if this is just a phase? Will I change my mind?
How will I feel when not accepted in lesbian and female areas?
Will I fit in as well as "one of the guys" once I actually am one?
Who will be attracted to me? Will I ever find a partner?
Will I be ostracized from lesbians and gays? Will it be a continuous case of the ENDA, will the fight be unsupported by those around me who I've supported?
Would I even be able to look male or pass full-time if I wanted to?
I'm not male: Am I really male?
I know I'm not female, so is male the only option?
I think I want to be neither. Off the spectrum. Myself.
Maybe I wouldn't find joy in passing if I passed all the time.
Eager to bend, aiming to confuse.
Passing only some of the time represents myself?
I can be male or I can be female. I am how you interpret me, because I, myself, me.. in my own mind, will not choose one or the other.
Sometimes I feel more male, sometimes more female.
Sometimes I look more male, sometimes more female.
Sometimes I am perceived as more male, sometimes more female.
So maybe, I can find peace in who I am finally matching how the world sees me. And maybe, the world will see me instead of some mask that doesn't represent me.
Or maybe, in this closed-minded place, the world will choose for me: M or F
And put me in a box.
And force me, in each instance, to choose.
Because, while sometimes I pass...
...why do people never look at me and say
not male, not female, but something else
Is that really not an option?
Go ahead, make a freak of me, but at least recognize who I am.
But, back to square 1.. I'm scared of being a freak too.
I guess it's time for me to take a step back and stop blaming society-
If I can't accept the freak in me, how can I expect to be accepted by everyone else?
I believe that option 2 is the case. I think that I am not male and not female. I struggle with how to present myself because I feel that society wants me to choose; that people can't understand what they don't know, and they don't get that life exists outside of male and female. But, I've spent a long time wondering if, maybe, I am transsexual, and just still in hiding from myself. |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
usernamechosen's journal